Where I work there is a bloke called Martin and his nephew Lee, well today Martins father died.
I knew the bloke well, he would pop in to see his son and grandson if he was ever in the area, he was the nicest guy that you could ever meet.
Today Lee phoned in to say his grandad had died, he was in tears on the phone.
Martin is on holiday in Florida, due to fly back tomorrow, whether he changed anything and flew back today instead, I don't know.
I texted Lee, he is like my best mate where I work, we are always having a laugh together, in the text I said, "Sorry to hear about your grandad Lee. My thoughts are with you all".
I really did not know what else to say, I never handle deaths too good, biggest problem is Lee might come back into work tomorrow, Martin probably won't come back in until the middle of next week I reckon, but I will struggle to know what to say to them, especially if they break down and cry. How does a guy console another guy in those situations?
Where I have always worked before there was always loads of employees, so avoiding someone for a while until the time felt right was easy, but where I work now there are only 7 of us, so there is no chance of avoiding them.
I am so not looking forward to it, I know we are all going to lose people close to us in the end, and that we are all going to die in the end, in fact I have always said that from the moment we are born we are in effect dying, but it still does not make death any easier.
There's nothing wrong with a man giving a grieving, tearful man a hug. One thing that really meant a lot to me after my paternal grandmother died many years ago was one of my friends saying "I'm glad that I had a chance to meet her." I don't know why it meant a lot, but it did.
Everyone is different, though. You could say something similar, if that's what you feel. Or you could say to him what you said to us about his grandfather, how he was the nicest guy you'd ever meet.
Just don't be afraid of your friend. He may not want to discuss it at all, take your clues from him and his behavior.
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oh yes, you must always satisfy the monkey. Strong and Beautiful smells like a monkey
It is still fresh in my mind about my father. and yes Death SUX!
Sorry Sparky ... I know it will be difficult for you to console your friend ... it is hard to say how he will react.
But I am with BC ... telling him what you told us would be nice.
I can tell you ... think about your friend ... and what you know about him ... have you guys ever went to lunch together? ... I know that one thing I did was just wasn't hungry ... I kind of lost my appetite ... and ate a lot of junk ...
Maybe you know what he likes for lunch and go with him .... just listen to what he has to say and be honest ... if he doesn't want to talk about it ... don't press it ... but if he does ... let him do most of the talking ... maybe bring back some good memories of when he would stop by to visit at work that you remember ... something to make him laugh ...
Well that is all I got ... Good Luck ...
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
Sorry, Sparkles. Sometimes the best thing to say in a situation like this is simply, "I am sorry." Followed by a hug or handshake and a "Let me know if you need anything."
I remember when my grandfather died....I was 12. It was the most crushing memory of my childhood. He hung the moon and the stars in my eyes...he was so awesome. I remember family members trying to console me by saying, "He is not in pain anymore...be happy about that." Tings like that....I finally told an aunt or cousin " Well, yeah, I am happy he is not hurting anymore, but I am." All I needed was hugs ..no talk.
Yeah, death sucks.....and while I believe there is a better place to go when one dies, the living who are grieving each find comfort in different ways. My comfort zone is remembering the wonderful things about the person. Your friends comfort zone may be different and I think you are just the friend to help him out.
Sorry, Sparks.....
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"The life given us by nature is short; but the memory of a well-spent life is eternal." -Cicero
Whether it be death or just saying I love you ..... It's part of being a man that makes it hard to know how to deal with it ..... SO in that respect, I can understand how your feeling. As to what to do about it, what to say, Hell I don't know, I'm a man, But I can understand how you feel.
One thing I do when possible. Stand behind IO with my head hung down while she does her thing. Usually that way all I have to do is a Little hand holding with a sad look or a quick hug if there is no way out of it.
Lee never showed up on Friday, so I have had an extra 2 days, which I am sure will make things easier, I am going to try to remember a bit of what you all said, but will probably end up blurting out something stupid.
Straight Up you have surprised me, you have a serious side as well. LOL.
sparky wrote: Thanks everyone for the kind words of wisdom.
Lee never showed up on Friday, so I have had an extra 2 days, which I am sure will make things easier, I am going to try to remember a bit of what you all said, but will probably end up blurting out something stupid.
Straight Up you have surprised me, you have a serious side as well. LOL.
So Sparky ... Did Lee show back up to work yet ... How is he doing ??? and How are You?
How did things go? I bet you handled it really well .... You are a nice guy ... ...
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
Lee did show up on Monday, I avoided him to a certain extent, in the sense that I did not approach him.
Then soon after I got into work he came to get my mug to make me a coffee, so I then said "sorry to hear about your grandad Lee", just as I had said in the text, this should of led into an almost planned speech, but it never. I ended up talking generally about his grandad from the top of my head, which felt a lot more natural anyway.
We chatted for quite a bit about his grandad, he was totally at ease with it all by the end of the conversation, so all was good.
The rest of the day was strange though, he was very quiet, and we never undertook our daily routine of banter, which quite often is just the pair of us throwing friendly insults back and forth all day long, (the rest of the guys normally say we are like an old married couple the way we keep on), it is just our way of making work more enjoyable and making the day go quicker though.
Tuesday, he was back to his normal self, I even told him that he had improved over the previous day and he agreed. I also told him that I had avoided him at first, to which he laughed.
Just need to face Martin when he comes back in now, that should be easier though.
I'm glad that both of you seemed to be at ease with conversation, and I'm sure that your unplanned words were much better than anything else could have been.
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oh yes, you must always satisfy the monkey. Strong and Beautiful smells like a monkey
I am glad that things did not get to weird for you two .... just let things get back to normal ... the sooner he can return to "The Norm" the easier it will be ...
If you guys poke fun at each other ... ease back into that as soon as possible ... treat him the same as you always do ... and things will get easier on both of you ...
Have a good day Sparky ... so fine ..
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
Oh things are definitely back to normal, the poking fun at each other is going full steam ahead at the moment, even more so actually, because I am not confined to my little corner of the workshop where I do electrics, I have run out of electrics to do, so I am helping out with the metalworkers, which means I am able to position myself better in the workshop to interact more.
I'm replying to this thread a little late sparky, so I appoligize in advance. I have the unfortunate task of dealing with death a little more than I expected with my job, but oh well. I lost my mother when I was twenty-one so I know how bad this can hurt. We were very close. One of my biggest regrets in life was that she wasn't around to see how far my younger brother and I have gotten. Her death took me a long time to come to terms with. To make matters worse, my first love and I had recently broke up and she had moved off to another state a week before my mom passed. But she wrote me a note that said "I loved her too" And those little words meant so much. I've had a couple of friends die this past year, and other than the good advice everyone has said, there's really not much you can say. I've always said "Sorry to hear about your so and so." Or another "Sorry to hear about (their name). What else can you say? Unless you see it's really affecting them. Then you might ask if they want to talk about it. But everyone has to come to terms oon their own. It's a delicate situation. If nothing else works post a picture of Kylie Minogue and Jerry Halliwell kissing. I'm sure that will put a smile on his face. It does mine, every time I see it.
Well today was hard, I never expected what was about to happen, I heard the workshop door open, I looked round and Martin, his wife and his mum walked in. I stayed in my corner and could hear that everybody else had approached them and was now chatting to them, I decided to stay where I was for a bit, but then the longer I left it the harder it became to go and join them. Then, all of a sudden, Martin's mum came round the corner, that was it I was stuck. What should I do? What should I say? I just said "hello May, how are you, are you ok?", somehow that seemed enough and she took the conversation from there, then luckily Lee came and gave his nan a hug, which made me feel a bit more comfortable. As for Martin, I just went up to him and said "alright Mart, how are you, wanna coffee?"
I really do suck and become a big coward where death is concerned.
@ ronin, I am sorry to hear that you lost your mum whilst you were at such a young age. That is my biggest fear in life, losing my parents, they are my rocks. I am nearly 40 now, they are in their mid 70's, but I want to be at least 60 before they die.
The picture of Kylie Minogue and Jerry Halliwell kissing is a nice idea though. Is there such a picture? Might be time to google. :)
ronin wrote: I lost my mother when I was twenty-one so I know how bad this can hurt. We were very close. One of my biggest regrets in life was that she wasn't around to see how far my younger brother and I have gotten. Her death took me a long time to come to terms with. ........I've had a couple of friends die this past year, and other than the good advice everyone has said, there's really not much you can say. I've always said "Sorry to hear about your so and so." Or another "Sorry to hear about (their name). What else can you say?
Hi Ronin .... I can understand a little about how you feel ... In just over a year I have lost Two brother-in-laws, Two uncles, and My Dad, and also a cat that traveled with me everywhere we went ... Then my best friend lost her Dad also ...
My sister's youngest daughter was only 17 ... she is having a really hard time with with it ... he missed her graduation ... etc. and her oldest daughter just got married and she was wanting him to give her away ...
As for me ... I am dealing with things a little better ... day by day ... I have my good days and my bad ones ...
And you are right ... Sorry just doesn't seem like the best thing to say ... but what else can you say??
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
Did you see the look on that guy's face. It was priceless. How would you like to be stuck between those two? WOW. Inside out: What was really hard this past year was my two friends that died were so unexpected. One was forty-four, and was such a good guy. I worked with him for close to six years. We always talked about going on a fishing trip to Florida, but never went. Now I wish we had. We had the thing so planned out. I'll never get the oppertunity with Kevin again. The other was a Cleveland police officer. John was this big kid thirtysix. He was shot during a SWAT raid. The minute I heard that a CPD officer was killed I knew it was him. I was lucky. I got to be part of the prosession. The chief let me take our newest cruiser. The entire city of Cleveland shut down that day. I was so amazed that litterally thousands of people just stopped what they were doing and came out on East ninth and Superior AV. to attend. All along the prosession people were stopping and paying their respects. The city was so quiet you could here a pin drop. It was televised locally. John and Kevin RIP. You guys are missed.
Yep ... Ronin ... it is the ones that are totally by surprise that affect you the most ...
My Sister's hubby was 49 and she just talked to him at lunch ... and an hour later he had a massive heart attach and was gone before they got him to the hospital ... left behind three children ... two girls and one son ... ages 17 to 25 ... no one had a clue that he was headed that way ... he wasn't over weight ... worked out ... etc. ... you just never know ...
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
My friend John (A.J.), had recently become a father for the first time as well. I know there was a big collection taken up for his family. He wore his vest, and did everything right. You like to tell yourself that things like that can't happen to you, but in the back of your mind you know it can. A couple of years ago my younger brother had a heart attack. He was lucky. He got to the hospital in time, and there was no damage done to the heart. But he ended up having quadruple bypass surgery at thirtyseven! Inside Out, it amazes me how some people party their whole lives and nothing. Others take excellent care of themselves and wham. I guess you just never know.
Sound like A.J. was like by a lot of people ... and served his life serving others ... doing good ... why is the the good ones that have to die young ... and the ones that just don't care live forever ... so to say ...
It is sad to think that the little one will never really know it's father ... and they young ones loose out in the end ...
The ones that do everything the way that they are suppose to ... making sure that they "follow the golden rule" ... and "Do what is Right" ... end up leaving this world before they have a chance to finish what they started ...
if you know what I mean ... I guess I just don't understand ... truly ...
I guess I never will ...
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"Fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out" Romans 12, verse 2
Hey Ronin, I know what you mean with the Line of Duty Death. Police funerals are never small. In the two that I have witnessed in my area people don't just show up in the hundreds but the thousands including those that stand along the procession route. Even though I am not in LE the effect of an officer losing his life in the line of duty shakes not only those that knew him and worked with him but the whole town as well. In my case, Howie was killed by a drug induced 19 yr old Marine who did not want to go back to Iraq. I do newspaper routes in addition to my regular job and Howie was one of my customers. He was days from turning 40 and had about 20 yrs on the job. He was killed less than a mile from his house from an SKS assault rifle. The kid used his marine training to stage this ambush. Thankfully SWAT was able to catch this kid and he did not survive his wounds. He would not surrender. Howie left a wife and three children in their late teens to early twenties. People will come out of the woodwork to show their support for the fallen and their family. At least those that count. Even though it has been two years it is still hard for me as I have to drive past the liquor store where it happened to get to the route. Howie always had a smile or a wave or a kind word for me as I delivered the paper. Another officer was gravely injured in the assault and will probably never walk again. He also lives within a mile of the shooting. I really feel for the families of these fine men. Howie's family are still customers of mine. Perhaps it is because at one time my father was an officer himself. Even though he was a Reserve he still did the job until he had to quit because something else came along that paid better and when raising a new family one has to weigh their options carefully. I will always wonder what it would have been like if he chose to stick it out.
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There are three kinds of people in this world.
Those that make things happen.
Those that watch things happen.
Those that wonder what happened.
Which one are you?
oh yes, you must always satisfy the monkey. 
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